HOW I COPED WITH MY ACNE:

A PERSONAL ACCOUNT

The short answer is that I did not cope that well. I am 33 years old and have had three serious acne breakouts, all of which had to be treated with Roaccutane. The first and second time was a long time ago, but the most recent breakout happened close to my 30th birthday. I am going to describe that time, because it is what I remember best.  

My acne started slowly at first all along my jaw-line and then it rapidly got worse and spread to the rest of my face. I remember the sense of complete horror when I realised that it was out of control and that it was all happening again. I kept thinking: what have I done to bring this on? I desperately tried to get an appointment with a good dermatologist, but everyone told me that I could only get an appointment in three weeks time. Three weeks! I felt that I could not walk around this way for three more days! In a panic I decided to stop trying to get an appointment at one of these fancy private practices and went straight to an inner city clinic, where a dermatologist was available to see me that same day. 

He diagnosed me with grade III acne and recommended that I take Roaccutane. I had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it had worked brilliantly for me in the past and kept my skin clear for years, but on the other hand it is a difficult treatment to go through with many side effects. I got the medication that same day, although I had to go for a pregnancy test first. He also changed my birth-control pills to Ginette, which is a generic of Diane, which is used to treat acne. I had some hope that day. I remember thinking that with both these medications things will soon be better. 

The problem with acne at this stage is that it gets much, much worse before it gets better . I remember crying a lot. Crying tears of anger, embarrassment, frustration and hopelessness. I hated touching my skin and feeling all the nodules – it freaked me out and disgusted me. I hated seeing myself in the mirror, but I could not help sneaking a peek if a passed one, just to see how bad it was. I spent hours in the mornings with a brush and foundation and powder trying to make it look better. Halfway through I would burst into tears and smoke a cigarette, then go back and try again.  

My skin started drying out from the Roaccutane, but the hard and painful pimples kept coming out. I remember coming home from work with my skin bleeding in the fine cracks under the make-up. I would put a cold cloth to my face and just cry and cry. I even remember calling in sick, because I could not face other people – that is how terrible I felt I looked. 

What really helped me through this time was the support of my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time). He sympathised with me, encouraged me, praised me and even made me laugh about it. He also kept challenging the negative things I said about myself. I would say something like: “I cannot bear it when you look at me, I am so hideous” and he would respond with something like: “You are not hideous. You are beautiful and I like looking at you and talking to you. You simply have a medical condition at the moment, which is causing you to feel this way, but I can still see the woman underneath.” In retrospect I really appreciate his support and I must have made life hell for him. I would constantly ask: “How bad does it look?” and regardless what answer he gave I would mostly burst into tears or even get angry.

The worst thing for me was if people totally ignored it and pretended that it did not exist. I realize that they were trying to be polite, but it felt so insincere and actually only emphasized what remained unspoken.

So what is the upside of this nightmare? Acne can  be cured it just takes time and the right  treatment! After about two and a half months the treatment was working. My skin was soft and new from all the peeling caused by the Roaccutane. I did not really have any more scars because I’ve learnt my lesson the previous time and did not pick at my skin. And just like that it was over. 

I sometimes dream about it and at the first sight of the smallest pimple I still get thrown into a panic, but overall I have recovered well. I married my boyfriend a year later and did not have a single pimple on my wedding day!